Even the gods know I have daddy issues

The nights have turned cold, and I walk up the path to put the bins out, the air has twisted to winter, the sky is cloudless and the stars are scattered across the canvas we live under, and this Goddess, who I haven't even spoken to yet, but who knows I'm waiting, tells me "look to the stars, learn about them" I am puzzled and as I look up I think "but what have you to do with stars?" There is a deep pause and then she asks "have you forgotten my story?"

Egg charms for the house

I like eggs, I like everything about eggs, I will eat eggs cooked every way possible, I like how they come in little self contained packages, I like how you can use the shells for candle moulds,  I like the feel of eggshell, I like that they are good for the gardening and keep slugs off plants, I am always looking for magic to do with eggs. So when someone on the forum suggested making home protection charms with them I perked up my ears.

The basic instructions were to take an egg, blow out the insides, put protective symbols on the shell and fill with protective herbs. I turned this over in my head for a bit and thought, why not have all purpose house charms for protection, creativity, love, friendship happines and other good things you want to find in a healthy home? so I painted runes on the side in apropriate magical corresponding colours  and mixed and filled the eggs with appropriate herbs


The runes used were:

• Othala - signifying home and a way of letting my ancestors know they are welcome here- Brown paint was used for this to signify grounding and stability
• Fehu- for prosperity, abundance. Green paint was used to signify abundance,
• Wunjo -for joy and happiness, friendship, harmony, hope -This was yellow for happiness
• Algiz - For protection , shielding, safety, shelter -Black for protection
• Berkano -creativity, personal growth, fruition, renewal, arousal -this was painted with an all purpose white

Herbs used were:

• garlic and salt for protection
• Rosemary-purification, health
• Parsley -Balance (this is a personal correspondence)
• Nutmeg - prosperity, comfort (comfort is a personal correspondence)
• Basil - Protection, indulgence (personal correspondance)
• Bay Leaf - good fortune, "seasoning" the home
• Rose petals, red for sexual love and yellow for friendship
• Coriander, love of home (semi personal correspondence), peace
• Thyme- courage,

Currently they are sitting on Brighids altar and i will move them to Morrigans altar and then my ancestor altar so they have the blessing and strength of all three

I have five of these so and going to hang them by the front, door, the back door, each of our bedrooms and my work room

Crow Burial notes

• Buried the crow today (27th Oct 2014). 
•  It had been dead about a week (in very wet, reasonably cold weather)
•  Buried it about 20cm deep in a lidless plastic box with holes in the bottom
•  Stuck a barbeque skewer with a sock attached into the ground above it so I don't forget where it is

Become Crow

Bury the crow athe edge of the field
for a cycle of seasons
let the earth do it's work
let the unseen, unloved, crawling, slithering, things
turn energy to energy
flesh to compost
feathers to fertiliser

Let the unspoken, stinking, darkness
strip bare the workings
of an intricate cog in this  sacred wounded machine

follow the thread round
let your hands, your eyes, your nose, your mouth, your ears
your languageless other edge
notice themselves
through the bonfire air
the first frost
the second frost
fireside and cocoa days
the feasting, grieving midwinter
the still, dead, sadness, of snow

 returning green
 reverberation of bees
 ache of thunder
 high slow blue heat
 taste of blackberry's
 the twist and itch towards autumn
 to the place in the weave where the thinning happens

Meanwhile
strip down your own bones
of things they no longer need

The First Story: Anansi Brings Stories To the World

I am obsessed by stories, by storytelling and other assorted and connected ways of transmission, I think about stories a lot. About what they are and what they do and how they are part of what it means to be human. And i never really wondered where this came from till I suddenly made a connection

as  a very small child I lived in a children's home, where we didn't get told a lot of stories frankly, or get a lot of attention, but our social worker was an Afro-Caribbean guy and he did spend a lot of time with us and he did give us attention. And he told us a story, well he probably told us lots of stories, but this one is the only one I remember and it is the first story (possibly was the first story) I ever remember being told, and I remember he told this story lots, sometimes out of a book and sometimes out of his head. And it was the story about how Anansi got stories from the Sky God and gave them to humans.

There's a version of the story here

And it just blows me away that the first story i ever had, I who have no stories passed down, no stories that are my birthright, was about the beginning of stories, about how humans were given stories.

And making this connection opened up the space in my mind to know that there is space in my life for a story telling, story giving, trickster deity, maybe not forever, maybe just long enough for me to say thank you, because stories saved me, but who knows? Maybe he will stay. Maybe he will be a "borrowed" god. Not mine but gracious and graceful enough to let me give him offerings and learn lessons from him.

Lana Del Ray: Gods and Monsters (original and Club Clique Remix)

Radical self care

So the Bone Collector currently wants me to focus on radical self care, and in usual Bone Collector style she doesn't tell me what that means but leaves me to work it out for myself as part of the processes. And its about what is radical self care for me. Some of it would seem to lots of people just like "normal stuff you do" and some of it is stuff that is "idiosyncratic to me"

I've been thinking a lot about what it is and what it means in the context of myself and my life and working out ways to fit it into my life so it clicks and just becomes normal behavior rather thanWork.

 I've been working out what it actually is, what "radical self care" actually means to me.

And the first thing is about being comfortable. Historically I always let myself get uncomfortable, just in small ways, because making myself comfortable is too much about vanity, about thinking about myself and my needs, and I have messages in my head that tells me that is not okay.

So I've started noticing when I'm cold, tired, thirsty, (in ways that are not about the emergency of sensory overload) and doing something relevant about it, I bought fleecy night socks to keep my feet warm and new pajamas to keep me warm and comfortable in bed, I dug out some cushions so i don't get neck-ache and backache when I sit up in bed, I make sure there isn't stuff all over my floors so I don't hurt my feet by walking over it.

The second thing: is taking time out to do things I like doing or things that feel good, I have assigned one of our arm chairs as my "reading chair" and I let myself take time out with a hot drink and a book and a gorgeous turquoise fleece blanket and just curl up and read for a chunk of time.

I let myself have long hot baths with awesome toiletries, I deep shampoo my hair, I moisturize, I make shaving my face part of my self care with nice face wash and then aftershave, I make calorie laden sweet milky drinks at bed time, I'm going to start a weekly or fortnightly manicure session for myself, I spend time looking after my garden (which is not just for me but it makes me feel good.) I give myself time to actively listen to music

The third thing is something I don't really know how to categorise yet, but its something about attempting adulthood? feeding myself properly, keeping my home tidy and comfortable, looking after my clothes. I got rid of a lot of my clothes which either didn't fit or were worn out or I just wasn't going to wear anymore and I spent (relativity for me) a significant amount on new clothes that I like the look of myself in, that felt nice and that I can layer to keep warm (for all sorts of reasons I find clothes buying stressful so I usually go in and out as soon as I can, if something fits "okay" I'll take it, but I made extra effort this time because I knew the pay off would be worth it) And I started hanging and ironing the clothes that need it so I can quickly find nice things to wear.

The fourth thing is something I am still struggling with but its about which voices, which messages, which media, I let into my life, what I read, what TV I watch, what I pay attention to online, what conversations I have with people. Avoiding things that wear me down or  tell me that I'm wrong, broken, worthless. Avoiding things that support things that are oppressive, that are joy killing, creatively dead or damaging,  avoiding dross and pointless crap. Filling my life with things that educate me, engage me, energize me, heal me, support me, soothe me, make  me laugh.

This is all a work in progress and some of the work is struggling with the messages in my head that tell me I don't deserve to look after myself in these way. And I think partly the Bone Collector wants me to do this work because she wants me to believe I do have worth,that I am awesome, that I am not optional but also because at some point, maybe far from here, there is work she wants me to do that will take a lot of my resources, and knowing how to keep myself balanced and replenish myself will be really important skills to enable me to do that without damaging myself.