Radical self care

So the Bone Collector currently wants me to focus on radical self care, and in usual Bone Collector style she doesn't tell me what that means but leaves me to work it out for myself as part of the processes. And its about what is radical self care for me. Some of it would seem to lots of people just like "normal stuff you do" and some of it is stuff that is "idiosyncratic to me"

I've been thinking a lot about what it is and what it means in the context of myself and my life and working out ways to fit it into my life so it clicks and just becomes normal behavior rather thanWork.

 I've been working out what it actually is, what "radical self care" actually means to me.

And the first thing is about being comfortable. Historically I always let myself get uncomfortable, just in small ways, because making myself comfortable is too much about vanity, about thinking about myself and my needs, and I have messages in my head that tells me that is not okay.

So I've started noticing when I'm cold, tired, thirsty, (in ways that are not about the emergency of sensory overload) and doing something relevant about it, I bought fleecy night socks to keep my feet warm and new pajamas to keep me warm and comfortable in bed, I dug out some cushions so i don't get neck-ache and backache when I sit up in bed, I make sure there isn't stuff all over my floors so I don't hurt my feet by walking over it.

The second thing: is taking time out to do things I like doing or things that feel good, I have assigned one of our arm chairs as my "reading chair" and I let myself take time out with a hot drink and a book and a gorgeous turquoise fleece blanket and just curl up and read for a chunk of time.

I let myself have long hot baths with awesome toiletries, I deep shampoo my hair, I moisturize, I make shaving my face part of my self care with nice face wash and then aftershave, I make calorie laden sweet milky drinks at bed time, I'm going to start a weekly or fortnightly manicure session for myself, I spend time looking after my garden (which is not just for me but it makes me feel good.) I give myself time to actively listen to music

The third thing is something I don't really know how to categorise yet, but its something about attempting adulthood? feeding myself properly, keeping my home tidy and comfortable, looking after my clothes. I got rid of a lot of my clothes which either didn't fit or were worn out or I just wasn't going to wear anymore and I spent (relativity for me) a significant amount on new clothes that I like the look of myself in, that felt nice and that I can layer to keep warm (for all sorts of reasons I find clothes buying stressful so I usually go in and out as soon as I can, if something fits "okay" I'll take it, but I made extra effort this time because I knew the pay off would be worth it) And I started hanging and ironing the clothes that need it so I can quickly find nice things to wear.

The fourth thing is something I am still struggling with but its about which voices, which messages, which media, I let into my life, what I read, what TV I watch, what I pay attention to online, what conversations I have with people. Avoiding things that wear me down or  tell me that I'm wrong, broken, worthless. Avoiding things that support things that are oppressive, that are joy killing, creatively dead or damaging,  avoiding dross and pointless crap. Filling my life with things that educate me, engage me, energize me, heal me, support me, soothe me, make  me laugh.

This is all a work in progress and some of the work is struggling with the messages in my head that tell me I don't deserve to look after myself in these way. And I think partly the Bone Collector wants me to do this work because she wants me to believe I do have worth,that I am awesome, that I am not optional but also because at some point, maybe far from here, there is work she wants me to do that will take a lot of my resources, and knowing how to keep myself balanced and replenish myself will be really important skills to enable me to do that without damaging myself.

Are you a daughter, are you a son? Strange trade offs have long been made.

 (Possible content warning for gender stuff and abuse stuff)
(Title of this post is taken from an Adrienne Rich poem called "That mouth")

I learnt early the being a girl was dangerous, that an inability to be a girl when you were supposed to be was  also dangerous, just as dangerous. Somewhere though, my inability became a refusal because that was all the power I had. The choices I made as a child when it came to gender were not choices but acts of survival.

And the Bone Collector has decided that I need to unpack those choices, that I need to unpack my terror at being seen as a woman, as being seen as feminine, of admitting that I like coded feminine pretty things. It doesn't matter where I end up, it doesn't matter if I decide my labels are woman or genderqueer, my pronouns are she or per, it doesn't matter if I end in the same place i started, I just need to do the exploration and the fear facing.

I need to let go of my derision of femininity, feminine things, girly things, pretty things, that covers my terror of them. (well feminine things that are not inherently damaging to people.)

The thing is, being a girl is dangerous, we do not value girls and women, we let men hurt them, assault them, kill them, grind them down. We are punished by being both too much and not enough woman like.


And there are still litanys in my head ...If I could just have been a boy, if I could have been his son, if I could have been enough of a girl not to need teaching what girls are for

And all these things from, you don't need a career because when you grow up you will be a mother and a wife, to, you are his reward, he will love you if you do this, to, all these men are going to do what they like to you because we need to teach you how to be a real woman, are things I learnt early and learnt deep and are still enemy outposts in my head

Just writing this makes me anxious and edgy, like acceptance of being a girl, or acceptance of feminine things gives men permission, open access to hurt me, use me, do what ever they like with me.

But that is what i need to untie. It's not femininity that is dangerous, that is terrifying, that is wrong, but it is male entitlement, male anger, male indifference, that is dangerous and throwing out, cutting of, part of myself because of that is not healthy or fair on myself.

And I already hear criticism, "why would the Bone Collector care about this? What makes you important enough to her that she takes time out to let you know you should do this? " and all I can say is "I don't know, I don't know why she cares about me but she  does"

And maybe this is a type of war and I am a type of warrior, the thought of growing my hair long, which is one of the demands I accepted from her, terrifies me so much that sometimes it makes me shake and cry, this is one hell of a battle


But a battle that needs fighting if I'm going to be all I can be